Are warning labels gettin’ a little racy?

I was helping a friend who was a little under the weather with some light ever so slight chores.  I was going to wipe down the counter top, when I paused and thought to myself, this formica is orange.  I was holding a popular kitchen wipe which contains bleach.  Let’s play it safe and check the label I don’t want to ruin her countertop and have to buy her a new one. (and she probably go with orange again which would make matters worse)  Anyway, I’m reading the kind of standard warnings until I get to…..do not use vaginally.  I read it a second time with my glasses on thinking my eye sight is worse.  Yup, do not use vaginally.  Had this been tried by someone?  Did they complain or sue?  Is there so such thing as common sense?  Why would you even think of such a thing!  Was this to make you feel fresh as a bleached daisy?  Perhaps spot removal…..I pondered this most of the afternoon.  My last thought was if a woman were indeed using these wipes vaginally does her partner have a brighter smile?…..I’ll leave it at that.

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I have more peeves up my sleeves!

Okay one more peeve.  Texting.  I hate it!  And the fact that I still haven’t upgraded my phone certainly doesn’t help.  I don’t know all of the countless new abreviations.  I spend endless amounts of  time having to hit each letter 3 or 4 times to get to the letter I need .  And , it’s frustrating trying to decipher a message which seems to be written in a secret code. I will never understand texting someone who is in the same room.  Doesn’t anyone want to have eye contact anymore?  Do we now text marriage proposals?  People have gotten seriously injured  texting while they walk.  So now the phone uses the camera and shows the sidewalk on the screen, so hopefully you’ll notice that a curb is near.  Look where you are going!  Look up and smile at someone!  How about saying Good morning! ……Let’s just stick with golden oldies you SOB’s.  Enough of this BS!!

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At least you don’t have to walk a pet peeve!!

I don’t remember having pet peeves when I was younger or they just weren’t so strong.  Maybe as my eye sight weakens and my knees begin to creak , all that strength I use to have has to go somewhere.  It comes out in the form of pet peeves.  Two years ago I started seeing a urologist.  That’s when I noticed how strong my peeves were getting.  Was it the long wait time?  Absolutely not.  Was it the really awful selection of magazines?  Nope.  The number one thing is that the mouldings are crooked, especially the chair rail.  I tried facing the window, but every time the door opens I twist my head to see if they are looking for me.  So I face inward and try to divert my attention.  This led to my second peeve.  Sneakers.  Yes, sneakers.  They are ugly, bulky and not flattering to any foot.  Now I realize they are needed for sports etc.  But they don’t have to be worn all of the time.  Especially with business suits.  I love a man in a suit with a crisp shirt and a great tie. Wear it with sneakers I don’t even want to give you a nod!  And older people seem to think sneakers are part of their dress code.  NOT.  Hey I’m no spring chicken (what does that mean are there seasonal chickens?) and believe me I used a walker for a year, but I will never wear a sneaker as casual attire.  Oh, and please note and no time did I ever put tennis balls on the feet of my walker.  I’m just sayin’, not that that’s another peeve.  When I finally get to see the urologist I give him a big smile and I say to myself  “Thank you Sweet Jesus!…. he’s got leather shoes!!”

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Somebunnie is cranky!!

Seeing as how Easter is just around the corner I want to talk to you about Easter decorations at the office.  I had a co-worker who spent all morning at work cutting out large bunnies out of construction paper.  Everyone in the department was to color there bunny and attach outside of your cubicle.  It sounded and looked like a project one would do in kindergarten.  I had plenty of real work to do and found this kind of embarassing.  But I colored my bunny and was quite pleased by the results.  I gave him and very nice vest which included a pocket.  Out of the pocket I drew a chain with a bare human foot attached to the end.  Kind of my political statement about how poor bunnies feel about humans carrying chains with a rabbit’s foot attached.  The co-worker, let’s just call her dumbass, complained to my manager of my artwork.  Now it’s not like I had nailed a bunny to a cross, I thought it was funny and so did “most” everyone esle.  I guess there is no accounting for taste.  I left that bunny on display until the furnace broke in the winter and we had no heat for over a week.  I replaced it with a drawing of a fireplace with flames a blazin’.  Anytime someone complained they were cold I told them to come over and stand near the fire!!

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Pee in a pew?

It’s a good thing that your memory stores really funny moments in your life and you have no idea how helpful they will be to your well-being somewhere down the road.  I was recently at a funeral mass for one of my sons best friends who died tragically.  It’s hard enough to keep yourself together since I’ve known Den since he was a little kid, but it is even worse to see your son and his friends hurting.  It’s not like you can kiss the boo boo and make it go away.  I was trying to keep myself together I had such a pain in my neck from the tension.  At that very moment I looked down at the pew to move the book of hymns and stared at the mahogony pew.  I had a flashback to ten years prior.  I was with a few girlfriends in church.  One of the girls had insisted we go to church to thank God for having such a great weekend.  So we all piled into church.   As we sat waiting for the service to start, she poked me and pointed out a  very distinguished looking man who was impeccably dressed.  He sat right in front of us and removed his hat.  All of a  sudden this huge mound of hair surfaced.  It was part Elvis and part stove pipe!  Ever try to contain you laugh?  I was the lucky one.  When I laugh really hard I cry.  My friend on the other hand pees in her pants.  And that is exactly what she did.  Now after the service she leaned over and whispered to me and told me what had happened to her.  Please look at my behind when I stand up and see if you notice my pink pants are wet.  The urine had eaten through the stain of the wood.  I had to tell her not only could you see her pants where wet, but she now had a mahogany ass!!!  I thank God for that memory it cleared up the tension in my neck and got me through the funeral……

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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you!

I appreciate some of my friends helping me out after my hospital stay.  It’s nice to get a call saying they were on the way to the store did I need anything.  Yes, I could use a couple of small strawberry yogurts and a quart of slim milk.  These two friends are sisters, and I never realized that they fight like cats and dogs.  Now I know I was very tired, but their yelling was hard to take.  They fight on the phone, even during leaving me a message and they are at each others throats from the minute the get out of the car. I was at the door before they rang the bell.  They brought me blueberry yogurt because they thought it was better for me, and 2% milk because they hate skim milk!  On that visit they couldn’t stay long because they had Listerine in the car and were afraid it would go bad.  Is Listerine made out of raw chicken?  Am I missing something here?  The following week they help me get to the Doctors office.  Pulled right in front of the building so I didn’t have to walk.  I waited with one sister while the other sister parked the car.  It seemed like we were waiting forever and when the sister was spotted entering the lobby all hell broke loose.   Even the potted plants were trembling.   I have to say it gave me the inner strength to go to my next appointment by myself.  It took me a while to make it to the building and the glass doors were sooooo heavy to try and open but I did it! and though I was in pain the quietness was worth it.  It motivated me to stop at the store and buy whatever flavor yogurt my heart desired and I went to hell with myself and got 1% milk.

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Just venting

I am writing to you from my underground penthouse also known as the basement apartment.  After a divorce and giving up my home I rented.  After losing my respectable paying job I rented an attic apt.  After losing my latest job of ten years and being ill I have once again downsized to the basement.  If I have to move again my next blog will be the old lady that lives in a shoe!!  I just had a new bathroom put in and the plumber said we should make the shower big enough for a shower chair, you know, for your future.  Gee I’m so glad I have something to look forward to.  Silly me to think I’m on the mend.  Is it because I now live underground one can assume with just some dirt to cover me life will be over?  Can’t I still have a few good years left?  It’s a good thing God gave me a sense of humor and a cute urlogoist or I’d just give up, but I’m not.  I am going to out live them all because I am spiteful!  By the way, because of the low ceilings I’m looking for shorter friends……

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